Well, I guess running time has passed me by. I am currently looking up at the whited-out blue sky through two library windows wishing my feet were a bit warmer. I wonder what this Thanksgiving will bring.
Last time around this year I started "preparing" myself for the death of my grandfather. I knew it would happen eventually and rip me to pieces in the process. Even then, I ignored what death really is, secretly telling myself he would never die to this earth. I wish secrets could come true sometimes.
I am an introvert at times and can enjoy keeping to myself when I have some energy to spare. I have many outlets for these times, and writing and running (even with people around it can be a singular enjoyment) are two of them. Another is jewelry. At least two people asked today what my necklace is. A bullet from my grandfather's 21 gun salute hangs around my neck right now. It means the world to me since I failed to make time for him to be. I planned to have him tell me about his life that last Thanksgiving, and now it is just an empty promise to myself. I thought I had more important activities to wrap myself in. My relationships are incorrectly prioritized; I have treated people as underlings or worse. I really need to change.
Just this morning, I was crying for a bit at the end of chapel for a reason. Then, I had a chat with a professor where the same topic came up. The conversation ended, so I grabbed tissues and left. A girl passed me as I walked and I JUDGED her on the outside. I figured she would just pass me by without concern if I were crying. I was surprised, and shamefully so. To whomever you are, Dear, thank you for teaching me to humble myself. With this circumstance and those I cried over comes the pains of regret and guilt.
I am convicted about how I treated my mother after her father died. I have dealt my family some pretty hard blows. Granted, my version of awful is an unwillingness to cooperate. I have passionate expectations for everyone, but my love must bridle my passions if life is to be lived in harmony. The difference between the two is that passion can be a destructive force when it is left to its own devices, but love covers all. Love from both sides is ideal, but one is required to love more than just those that love them.
But, how can I love? {By humbling myself, rejoicing in the truth, having patience, avoiding jealousy, "bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things(~1 Cor 13:7)" 1 Corinthians 13:4-7} {"Believing in the Name of Christ and loving one another, like He told us to"1 John 3:10} <NASB> Looks like I have a job to do.
