Keep it to yourself

Suffocate me
Break me
Turn me every color of the rainbow.

I love you
or is that care(D) about you?
Where are you now?

Gone
Did you forget I said forever?
Am I any better?

Nervous wreck she stands
Heaven's gates won't accept her.
She ain't six feet under,
God's people just don't get her.

My heart beat for every embrace.
If I were the same girl....
Hope this hits you- perfect ace.
Just pull away into the whirl.

we aren't connected anymore
unless there's something left to say.
if not, Goodbye today.

Relationships are hard, so why is everyone pairing off? They are super awesome at times. Are the people that notice just jealous? Do they merely want attention? I think when relationships between a guy and girl form, friends are left out. Do these friends want the best for the couple? Of course, but not at the expense of a friendship. With maintaining friendships comes keeping those levels of PDA/ coupleness in check around some friends. Or maybe it means keeping it in check period. Here's a decoded way to see if you're a little strong with the PDA for a friend's taste:

Bob: Hey uh, Fred? It's been ten minutes. Don't you think you and Sally should come up for air now?

Cally:  Marie? Is that you? I haven't seen your face since you and DJ started dating! Even the four times I hung out with you two...

So they're cheesy. But so is kissing your girlfriend hello and goodbye when she is going to get a book from her dorm. And making your boyfriend say super weird names for you like "Piddly Dumpkin" and "Sweetie Wheaties". Just remember couples... other people aren't blessed or otherwise endowed with significant others right now. Please, spread the joy, not your private lives. Thanks!! : )

Do it... Take the high road

So running today was hard. My muscles did not want to function, but gravity pulled them downward, up, and forward at my command, hesitating at jumping over the GIANT LOG in front of me. As I said then, "I'm too short for this log!" as if I can go in a different part of the woods and jump one just my size. The workout was a total of fourish miles or so (warm up included, so maybe more). We ran two loops over newly mowed paths/ somewhat cleared passageways in our "forest". This path is one step closer to having a race HERE, at our SCHOOL! That means one day we might host the championship meet on campus! Oh the glorious day.

So onto the real topic of today... how do you forgive yourself after something goes wrong? Now, I'm not saying after someone harms you or otherwise wrongs you. I mean when you failed to turn in a paper or do honest work towards a good grade, how do you treat yourself after that? When you watch yourself (sometimes I can imagine myself watching myself. It's a rather unique concept) make decisions that lead to negative consequences, do you tell yourself you are worthless? Does the thought of poor life vision creep into your mind? It does for me. I fall into the same patterns constantly. I am currently writing a post about this instead of doing homework. I take the "short term" band-aid to make my pain feel better instead of buckling down and doing what will help me in the long term. It's like taking a mile in quick, painful spurts rather than running consistently. You run for a few seconds at your fastest speed then BAM! cramp in your side stops you. The consistent runner keeps rolling. You kinda get your breath from running more slowly, then zoom ahead again until GASP even worse pain in your rib cage. The consistent runner keeps moving. Finally, you are near the finish and you have just enough for one final, more powerful burst and you are about to finish.. and the consistent runner is cheering you in. It's not that this is a race and there are people I want to beat, it's how I run the race. I attempted to stop caring that people were beating me last year. It was about quality, I realized. Now all I need is to put it into practice.

Well, there's under 30 minutes left here as the (wonderful) librarian just said. I have 30 minutes to get closer to my goal of consistency. I can almost run a 6k in that time : )

Assignments:
check
Computer:
check
Motivation:
> 0

Song: High Road by Fort Minor (w/John Legend) *cursing advisory: there is some I bet. don't listen AT ALL if you don't like cursing*

"pride before the fall"

So was I too prideful when I felt I ran well enough to deserve ice?

Did I act in a haughty manner when I wanted to go a different way?

Was I too sure of my own footing, my steady pace taken in vain?

I do not and may never know. But I am healing from my trip. It's two scraped knees and a palm barely interrupted. That's all, but yet it's more. I don't fall.

Alright, so I do fall, for the sake of people that were with me. But as I've said, I don't fall easily. I fell into my first relationship hard- I trusted the guy with everything. I wanted to be with him forever and I was crushed when it failed. I have to live with those inner broken parts of me that will never heal completely. Generally, I keep them tightly caged because they have more to do with circumstances than just that situation. My heart has a different beat for that part of my life; sometimes I still feel the rhythms.

But even then, falling around people was no option. To falter was to show weakness, and at 5', not much more needs to show through. I am vulnerable and few people know how to reach that. Until I face plant into the ground. Then I am at my weakest in my eyes.

I am blessed, however. My weaknesses can bring my Savior glory. He can show through in the times I fail. But then again, my failures are a serious issue to Him. Am I failing to live up to ONLY His standards for me? (sometimes) Am I forgetting to put His PEOPLE'S well-being before my own? Am I neglecting time spent with Him? What weaknesses should I really care about?

So I was obviously humbled by my running trip (haha). But now I wonder, should falling scare me so much? Apparently, I'm not used to falling on my knees. Time for a refresher course in basic worship, eh? I think so.