Words are a walkway

tap tap taptaaptatpptapptpaptap.

confusion frustration conflagration

where is your hand darling where

i trusted you to catch my fall instead

could have made this on my own
but you

volunteered yourself

no questions asked but then you

you disappeared.


one day i will stop talking to myself.

This is hilarious!

So click on the title- it's a link to a very important fashion "quiz" that legging wearers need to take before they go out. I got it from:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/05/am-i-wearing-pants_n_858179.html

I'M BACK!!!!

And I have IDEAS:

• Get a job on the "welcoming committee"
• Get a job on the "protecting committee"
• DO MY PRESENTATION 

(because my professor is stealthy. and he found me. and it's time to do my project.)

If I could play jazz music.... this would be my symphony.

 So these are my drafts from facebook. All of them, kind of my own . Tell me what you think!
(the bold big letters are the title, the smaller are the dates they were written. newest to oldest from top to bottom.)

No title. FEB-07-2011 
___________________________________________
why wait? OCT-28-2010
one night can change a life

a little boy so muddy and bedraggled
house to house he hides
bushes and garages, never goes inside
not a thief or a beggar
yet one night decides.

a girl awakens to her daddy's worst fear
_______________________________________________
Waking up OCT-10-2010
I woke up feeling the best I have in awhile, and all I wonder is

how long will this feeling stay???
_____________________________________________________
ssdlkfjsf SEP-30-2010
people watch me.
no, the government always watches.
it's random people on the street as I go by.
I wonder what they think of me,
and I obsess how much they care.

I run from empathy,
My soul I never bear.
Did you lock me inside?
Am I the princess in a castle?
Is my life a great recording?
I've heard this song before.

when a person matters, they dont survive;
please dont get pushed off of the edge.
Im a woman desperately driven to extremes.
I leave or I am left.
You better get to beating;
take a new path and dont turn back.
I dont miss you anymore.

Im a runner girl- take it as you wish.
I dont make relationships priority.
Enter as you dare but never expect more
I have my standards set I won't stray.
Bound in agony self created,
never meant to stay
_____________________________________________________
jagged, jaded, dead AUG-02-2010
all could describe a body
the three in harmony
merely words strung into thoughts
All it takes is one
the beginning
a simple step
there is no avenue off
a path that stretches forward
side to side as far as the eye beholds
yet you're asphyxiated
as if the smallest circle
formed an invisible choker

Each footprint means something
whether or not you care
SOMEONE is watching
and they FOLLOW you
so each time that word slips
or that thought flushes your face with shame-
it's unspeakable for a reason
it's part of a process of pain
will you let it eat you?
or be strong and control it?

Resist the urge to let your thoughts control you.
You are the sum of what your thoughts cause you to do.
Whatever holds power over your mind holds power over you.

So let's rewrite the title
8 minutes to go
will you let excuses control you?
7 intervals before it's too late
breathe
clear your mind
5 chances left
it took David one.
....alive, submissive, humble

do what can be done through me
release fear's hold of me
be Lord over me
You control me
__________________________________________________________________
No words. JUL-26-2009
I cant write what I dont feel.
It's impossible.
My heart beats and beats.
Yet, I am left with longing for what I dont say.
How can I long for words never attached to a thought I never spoke?
_____________________________________________________________
breaker boy JUL-11-2009
Was she worth it?

That girl it took you nothing to gain anything from?

Even though you obliterated several other's trust in you?

{-the adults will never understand why we think so little of you-}

Did that one month really have time to sink in?

Could you even remember the scarred girl you started with?

The best excuse you had and then leaving her like this?
________________________________________________________________________
CouldHeavenAnnoyNothingGenerallyEver JAN-27-2009
So- Mr. President,
You promised me change.
Now, did you lie,
Or am I deranged?

This
_________________________________________________________________
peace DEC-24-2008
Back in the day
we could throw up peace and love and everything
not worryin about this gang or that
no one cared that the peace sign meant rebellion
____________________________________________________________________________
has the time passed me by?  SEP-13-2008
One day
The tears will end
Some day
Ill be new again

Never will
The pains return
Always will
My memories burn

Here comes Cupid.... ity?

I am, as you may be just finding out, a female. This makes for many a joke about marriage in the Biblical school I attend, either in joking with other females about our "Bridal University" title (instead of Biblical), or with men around me because I am neither married to nor supervised by (as in a father-daughter role) them and am not required to submit. In this environment, a comment about my future last name took on a whole new life.

I had a striking revelation the other day in conversation with a friend. My friend helped finally realize that when I marry, it will be MY last name that changes. My NEW initials will be determined by what The Husband's last name is.

So then, if I keep my "maiden" name until I die, I never married. There ARE cases where the woman keeps her last name; I will surrender mine. Therefore, no new name implies I was an old MAID(en) for my entire life.
 
Why did this strike me so hard? I am waiting to get married for many years to come, and I still wonder if I will meet that man. Could it be the age old struggle of SUBMISSION, back from the grave, trying to tear down confidence in all that makes me who I think I am?

A book I have been reading, "Cupidity: 50 Stupid Thing People Do For Love, and How To Avoid Them". Author couple Haley and Michael DiMarco examine the consequences of Adam and Eve's eating the forbidden fruit in Eden. Both the man and woman were cursed in ways that affected them directly (for this, just the woman's part is expounded). The female will "desire to control her husband, but He will rule over her" (Genesis 3:16, New Living Translation). This translates as: I, as a single woman, am INDEPENDENT. And, by giving up my last name, surrender of that name invalidates any claim to me being in full control. I have to reorganize my value based on another person's opinions: The Husband and I are now one. His leadership is what matters now; my desire for control must be checked through love from The Husband. To undermine his role would be Cupidity. It would murder our relationship. (See chapters 6-13, if you choose against reading the entire book.)

All these thoughts came from one simple comment and few chapters of what is shaping into a good book. (I can let you borrow it, if you would want to read it). I appreciate that my friend's joking was able to help me see a huge stepping stone in my life. Next step? Finish that book!

MEN: I hope you take from this what your comments make women think about. What you say can leave a positive or negative impact on us for years to come. And, if I never say it again, I appreciate all my guy friends that have helped me either shape opinions over the years or realize that a man's silence is not a personal attack on myself.

"WOA!"-MEN: You are valuable to God as a person and as a spouse. Your husband leads, but you support him. And Like the Taj Mahal with shaky supports, you can undermine that authority by taking too much control. Let your husband be the man; he better love you for it. God will. Build your castle; be the Queen you are.

Unemployed, Are You?

Well, I guess running time has passed me by. I am currently looking up at the whited-out blue sky through two library windows wishing my feet were a bit warmer. I wonder what this Thanksgiving will bring.

Last time around this year I started "preparing" myself for the death of my grandfather. I knew it would happen eventually and rip me to pieces in the process. Even then, I ignored what death really is, secretly telling myself he would never die to this earth. I wish secrets could come true sometimes.

I am an introvert at times and can enjoy keeping to myself when I have some energy to spare. I have many outlets for these times, and writing and running (even with people around it can be a singular enjoyment) are two of them. Another is jewelry. At least two people asked today what my necklace is. A bullet from my grandfather's 21 gun salute hangs around my neck right now. It means the world to me since I failed to make time for him to be. I planned to have him tell me about his life that last Thanksgiving, and now it is just an empty promise to myself. I thought I had more important activities to wrap myself in. My relationships are incorrectly prioritized; I have treated people as underlings or worse. I really need to change.

Just this morning, I was crying for a bit at the end of chapel for a reason. Then, I had a chat with a professor where the same topic came up. The conversation ended, so I grabbed tissues and left. A girl passed me as I walked and I JUDGED her on the outside. I figured she would just pass me by without concern  if I were crying. I was surprised, and shamefully so. To whomever you are, Dear, thank you for teaching me to humble myself. With this circumstance and those I cried over comes the pains of regret and guilt.

I am convicted about how I treated my mother after her father died. I have dealt my family some pretty hard blows. Granted, my version of awful is an unwillingness to cooperate. I have passionate expectations for everyone, but my love must bridle my passions if life is to be lived in harmony. The difference between the two is that passion can be a destructive force when it is left to its own devices, but love covers all. Love from both sides is ideal, but one is required to love more than just those that love them.

But, how can I love? {By humbling myself, rejoicing in the truth, having patience, avoiding jealousy, "bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things(~1 Cor 13:7)"  1 Corinthians 13:4-7} {"Believing in the Name of Christ and loving one another, like He told us to"1 John 3:10} <NASB> Looks like I have a job to do.

Keep it to yourself

Suffocate me
Break me
Turn me every color of the rainbow.

I love you
or is that care(D) about you?
Where are you now?

Gone
Did you forget I said forever?
Am I any better?

Nervous wreck she stands
Heaven's gates won't accept her.
She ain't six feet under,
God's people just don't get her.

My heart beat for every embrace.
If I were the same girl....
Hope this hits you- perfect ace.
Just pull away into the whirl.

we aren't connected anymore
unless there's something left to say.
if not, Goodbye today.

Relationships are hard, so why is everyone pairing off? They are super awesome at times. Are the people that notice just jealous? Do they merely want attention? I think when relationships between a guy and girl form, friends are left out. Do these friends want the best for the couple? Of course, but not at the expense of a friendship. With maintaining friendships comes keeping those levels of PDA/ coupleness in check around some friends. Or maybe it means keeping it in check period. Here's a decoded way to see if you're a little strong with the PDA for a friend's taste:

Bob: Hey uh, Fred? It's been ten minutes. Don't you think you and Sally should come up for air now?

Cally:  Marie? Is that you? I haven't seen your face since you and DJ started dating! Even the four times I hung out with you two...

So they're cheesy. But so is kissing your girlfriend hello and goodbye when she is going to get a book from her dorm. And making your boyfriend say super weird names for you like "Piddly Dumpkin" and "Sweetie Wheaties". Just remember couples... other people aren't blessed or otherwise endowed with significant others right now. Please, spread the joy, not your private lives. Thanks!! : )