Here comes Cupid.... ity?

I am, as you may be just finding out, a female. This makes for many a joke about marriage in the Biblical school I attend, either in joking with other females about our "Bridal University" title (instead of Biblical), or with men around me because I am neither married to nor supervised by (as in a father-daughter role) them and am not required to submit. In this environment, a comment about my future last name took on a whole new life.

I had a striking revelation the other day in conversation with a friend. My friend helped finally realize that when I marry, it will be MY last name that changes. My NEW initials will be determined by what The Husband's last name is.

So then, if I keep my "maiden" name until I die, I never married. There ARE cases where the woman keeps her last name; I will surrender mine. Therefore, no new name implies I was an old MAID(en) for my entire life.
 
Why did this strike me so hard? I am waiting to get married for many years to come, and I still wonder if I will meet that man. Could it be the age old struggle of SUBMISSION, back from the grave, trying to tear down confidence in all that makes me who I think I am?

A book I have been reading, "Cupidity: 50 Stupid Thing People Do For Love, and How To Avoid Them". Author couple Haley and Michael DiMarco examine the consequences of Adam and Eve's eating the forbidden fruit in Eden. Both the man and woman were cursed in ways that affected them directly (for this, just the woman's part is expounded). The female will "desire to control her husband, but He will rule over her" (Genesis 3:16, New Living Translation). This translates as: I, as a single woman, am INDEPENDENT. And, by giving up my last name, surrender of that name invalidates any claim to me being in full control. I have to reorganize my value based on another person's opinions: The Husband and I are now one. His leadership is what matters now; my desire for control must be checked through love from The Husband. To undermine his role would be Cupidity. It would murder our relationship. (See chapters 6-13, if you choose against reading the entire book.)

All these thoughts came from one simple comment and few chapters of what is shaping into a good book. (I can let you borrow it, if you would want to read it). I appreciate that my friend's joking was able to help me see a huge stepping stone in my life. Next step? Finish that book!

MEN: I hope you take from this what your comments make women think about. What you say can leave a positive or negative impact on us for years to come. And, if I never say it again, I appreciate all my guy friends that have helped me either shape opinions over the years or realize that a man's silence is not a personal attack on myself.

"WOA!"-MEN: You are valuable to God as a person and as a spouse. Your husband leads, but you support him. And Like the Taj Mahal with shaky supports, you can undermine that authority by taking too much control. Let your husband be the man; he better love you for it. God will. Build your castle; be the Queen you are.

Unemployed, Are You?

Well, I guess running time has passed me by. I am currently looking up at the whited-out blue sky through two library windows wishing my feet were a bit warmer. I wonder what this Thanksgiving will bring.

Last time around this year I started "preparing" myself for the death of my grandfather. I knew it would happen eventually and rip me to pieces in the process. Even then, I ignored what death really is, secretly telling myself he would never die to this earth. I wish secrets could come true sometimes.

I am an introvert at times and can enjoy keeping to myself when I have some energy to spare. I have many outlets for these times, and writing and running (even with people around it can be a singular enjoyment) are two of them. Another is jewelry. At least two people asked today what my necklace is. A bullet from my grandfather's 21 gun salute hangs around my neck right now. It means the world to me since I failed to make time for him to be. I planned to have him tell me about his life that last Thanksgiving, and now it is just an empty promise to myself. I thought I had more important activities to wrap myself in. My relationships are incorrectly prioritized; I have treated people as underlings or worse. I really need to change.

Just this morning, I was crying for a bit at the end of chapel for a reason. Then, I had a chat with a professor where the same topic came up. The conversation ended, so I grabbed tissues and left. A girl passed me as I walked and I JUDGED her on the outside. I figured she would just pass me by without concern  if I were crying. I was surprised, and shamefully so. To whomever you are, Dear, thank you for teaching me to humble myself. With this circumstance and those I cried over comes the pains of regret and guilt.

I am convicted about how I treated my mother after her father died. I have dealt my family some pretty hard blows. Granted, my version of awful is an unwillingness to cooperate. I have passionate expectations for everyone, but my love must bridle my passions if life is to be lived in harmony. The difference between the two is that passion can be a destructive force when it is left to its own devices, but love covers all. Love from both sides is ideal, but one is required to love more than just those that love them.

But, how can I love? {By humbling myself, rejoicing in the truth, having patience, avoiding jealousy, "bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things(~1 Cor 13:7)"  1 Corinthians 13:4-7} {"Believing in the Name of Christ and loving one another, like He told us to"1 John 3:10} <NASB> Looks like I have a job to do.

Keep it to yourself

Suffocate me
Break me
Turn me every color of the rainbow.

I love you
or is that care(D) about you?
Where are you now?

Gone
Did you forget I said forever?
Am I any better?

Nervous wreck she stands
Heaven's gates won't accept her.
She ain't six feet under,
God's people just don't get her.

My heart beat for every embrace.
If I were the same girl....
Hope this hits you- perfect ace.
Just pull away into the whirl.

we aren't connected anymore
unless there's something left to say.
if not, Goodbye today.

Relationships are hard, so why is everyone pairing off? They are super awesome at times. Are the people that notice just jealous? Do they merely want attention? I think when relationships between a guy and girl form, friends are left out. Do these friends want the best for the couple? Of course, but not at the expense of a friendship. With maintaining friendships comes keeping those levels of PDA/ coupleness in check around some friends. Or maybe it means keeping it in check period. Here's a decoded way to see if you're a little strong with the PDA for a friend's taste:

Bob: Hey uh, Fred? It's been ten minutes. Don't you think you and Sally should come up for air now?

Cally:  Marie? Is that you? I haven't seen your face since you and DJ started dating! Even the four times I hung out with you two...

So they're cheesy. But so is kissing your girlfriend hello and goodbye when she is going to get a book from her dorm. And making your boyfriend say super weird names for you like "Piddly Dumpkin" and "Sweetie Wheaties". Just remember couples... other people aren't blessed or otherwise endowed with significant others right now. Please, spread the joy, not your private lives. Thanks!! : )

Do it... Take the high road

So running today was hard. My muscles did not want to function, but gravity pulled them downward, up, and forward at my command, hesitating at jumping over the GIANT LOG in front of me. As I said then, "I'm too short for this log!" as if I can go in a different part of the woods and jump one just my size. The workout was a total of fourish miles or so (warm up included, so maybe more). We ran two loops over newly mowed paths/ somewhat cleared passageways in our "forest". This path is one step closer to having a race HERE, at our SCHOOL! That means one day we might host the championship meet on campus! Oh the glorious day.

So onto the real topic of today... how do you forgive yourself after something goes wrong? Now, I'm not saying after someone harms you or otherwise wrongs you. I mean when you failed to turn in a paper or do honest work towards a good grade, how do you treat yourself after that? When you watch yourself (sometimes I can imagine myself watching myself. It's a rather unique concept) make decisions that lead to negative consequences, do you tell yourself you are worthless? Does the thought of poor life vision creep into your mind? It does for me. I fall into the same patterns constantly. I am currently writing a post about this instead of doing homework. I take the "short term" band-aid to make my pain feel better instead of buckling down and doing what will help me in the long term. It's like taking a mile in quick, painful spurts rather than running consistently. You run for a few seconds at your fastest speed then BAM! cramp in your side stops you. The consistent runner keeps rolling. You kinda get your breath from running more slowly, then zoom ahead again until GASP even worse pain in your rib cage. The consistent runner keeps moving. Finally, you are near the finish and you have just enough for one final, more powerful burst and you are about to finish.. and the consistent runner is cheering you in. It's not that this is a race and there are people I want to beat, it's how I run the race. I attempted to stop caring that people were beating me last year. It was about quality, I realized. Now all I need is to put it into practice.

Well, there's under 30 minutes left here as the (wonderful) librarian just said. I have 30 minutes to get closer to my goal of consistency. I can almost run a 6k in that time : )

Assignments:
check
Computer:
check
Motivation:
> 0

Song: High Road by Fort Minor (w/John Legend) *cursing advisory: there is some I bet. don't listen AT ALL if you don't like cursing*

"pride before the fall"

So was I too prideful when I felt I ran well enough to deserve ice?

Did I act in a haughty manner when I wanted to go a different way?

Was I too sure of my own footing, my steady pace taken in vain?

I do not and may never know. But I am healing from my trip. It's two scraped knees and a palm barely interrupted. That's all, but yet it's more. I don't fall.

Alright, so I do fall, for the sake of people that were with me. But as I've said, I don't fall easily. I fell into my first relationship hard- I trusted the guy with everything. I wanted to be with him forever and I was crushed when it failed. I have to live with those inner broken parts of me that will never heal completely. Generally, I keep them tightly caged because they have more to do with circumstances than just that situation. My heart has a different beat for that part of my life; sometimes I still feel the rhythms.

But even then, falling around people was no option. To falter was to show weakness, and at 5', not much more needs to show through. I am vulnerable and few people know how to reach that. Until I face plant into the ground. Then I am at my weakest in my eyes.

I am blessed, however. My weaknesses can bring my Savior glory. He can show through in the times I fail. But then again, my failures are a serious issue to Him. Am I failing to live up to ONLY His standards for me? (sometimes) Am I forgetting to put His PEOPLE'S well-being before my own? Am I neglecting time spent with Him? What weaknesses should I really care about?

So I was obviously humbled by my running trip (haha). But now I wonder, should falling scare me so much? Apparently, I'm not used to falling on my knees. Time for a refresher course in basic worship, eh? I think so.